sunflower goddess

im so tired but take some gay

Baz
Snow wasn’t supposed to be awake. He wasn’t meant to see this; see me like this. But by the time I realise he’s awake, he’s already going for the light and it’s too late for me to back out of the room.
“Crowley, Baz, are you alright?”
He looks alarmed, and I don’t even know what to say. Telling him it’s not my blood that I’m drenched in is just going to make him think I’ve attacked someone.
My silence seems to have made it worse. He practically leaps out of bed with the grace of a new-born giraffe and grabs my arm.
“Baz?”
Seeing him look worried about me is a nice change.
But I shake him off. “I’m fine.”
I try to push past him to go to the bathroom and clean myself up, but Snow stands strong.
“You’re covered in blood, Baz.”
“Shockingly enough, I’m aware of that.” I can’t help snapping at him, even though he’s looking at me so gently. That sweet stare I’ve craved all year now feels bittersweet.
He starts looking pissed at me. “I’m trying to be nice.”
“Must be taking all your effort. Can I go to the bathroom now?”
“Are you gonna tell me what happened?”
There’s no way I’ll admit it. “If this blood dries, it’ll ruin my shirt.”
“You can afford a new one.”
I try another angle. “You do your best to ignore me every other time I’m in the room, why are you choosing now to be difficult?”
“You’re not covered in blood every other time.”
“Snow-”
“Baz.”
I sigh. “You already know. I know you know. Can’t we just keep acting like you’re crazy and searching for evidence and I’m not aware you suspect it?”
“So you’re admitting it.”
“I’m asking if it can just be understood between us.”
“I’m not moving till you say it.”
“Can you at least let me close the door?”
He rolls his eyes but moves back so I have the room to close it.
I know I’m not going to admit it, and I’m sure he knows too. But I’ll play this game with him if that’s what he wants.
“You’re usually neater than this.”
“I’m- what?” That one catches me off guard.
“Sometimes you get a bit on your face, sure, but you’re drenched. I’ve never seen you this messy before.”
“Wha- Simon Snow, have you been stalking me?”
“It’s not stalking. My roommate, who has acted very evil the entire time I’ve known him and has confessed to trying to kill me in the past, started sneaking off in the middle of the night for no obvious reason. Of course, I’ve been following you.”
““Very evil”? I expected something more creative of you, Snow.”
“Why is it so hard for you to just say it?”
“Would it be easy for you?” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but I did. Evidently quite a lot, since Snow stumbles back and looks almost guilty.
We stand staring at each other for several seconds, and I wish I wasn’t thinking about kissing him. I wish I wasn’t thinking him stepping in closer to me, and brushing the hair out of my face, and caressing my jaw, and leaning in, and kissing me softly. I wish I wasn’t thinking about him grabbing me by the shoulders, and slamming me against the wall, and crushing our lips together. I wish I wasn’t thinking about him.
Simon
I feel like an ass, which is weird. I’ve been trying to prove Baz is a vampire for months, and this is just such clear, obvious evidence. If I could get a confession it would be perfect. But I never meant to upset him. Although I’m still not sure why I care.
He’s right, of course. If I were the vampire, I wouldn’t just admit it because he told me to. This could ruin him.
But… isn’t that what I want?
Suddenly, I’m not so sure.
We’ve been staring at each other for at least ten seconds now. It has to be getting weird. That’s a weird amount of time to make eye contact for, right? Yet I can’t seem to move or take my eyes off him.
I should just let him clean up.
Why am I provoking him like this? He’s a vampire, for Crowley’s sake. Although I suppose the anathema will protect me if he tries anything.
I’m just gonna let him clean up.
He looks weirdly vulnerable. Maybe it’s the blood. Or maybe it’s the way he’s looking at me. He usually looks like he wants to do something to me, but usually that thing is murder. But now he’s looking at me softly, and I don’t know what it means.
I move aside and let him go clean up.
Baz
It takes a while, but he does move. My shoulder brushes against his as I walk by, and I almost wish he hadn’t let me go.
I almost wish he’d kept pressing me to admit it.
I almost wish he’d just gotten it over with and killed me.
Or kissed me.
Maybe both.
But he didn’t. So, I just go into the bathroom and wash off as much blood as I can.
When I step back into our bedroom, I expect Snow to be back in bed, maybe even asleep, but he’s not. He’s sitting on my bed, and he’s waiting for me.
“Well that’s not creepy at all, Snow. First you stalk me, now you’re staring at the bathroom door waiting for me.”
He’s scowling. “I told you, it wasn’t stalking.”
“You shouldn’t tell lies, Snow.”
“I was planning to apologise, but you’re such a massive prick that I’m reconsidering.”
“Oh no, by all means, go ahead. I can’t wait to hold it over you for years to come.”
I’m still thinking about kissing him.
“Crowley, you’re an arsehole.”
I’m always thinking about kissing him.
“Don’t I know it.”
I can’t wait until the day he finally kills me.
“Can you just sit down and let me talk without being a sarcastic prick?”
“Can you just get off my bed and let me go to sleep?”
He looks a lot more pissed off than before. “Y’know what? No. I’m not going to move. You’re not going to sleep until you let me apologise.”
“What are you even apologising for?”
“I was insensitive.”
It takes all my self-control to not double over in laughter.
“You were insensitive?”
“If I weren’t so determined to not let you get your way, I’d be giving up now.”
“Maybe you should just do that.”
“Will you just sit down, Baz?”
Giving in to Snow is not how thought this night would go.
“Fine. But only because it’s late, and I’m tired, and I refuse to risk moving you by force.”
I sit down beside him and being this close to him is simultaneously amazing and awful. All I want is to get closer, but I know this is the best I’ll ever get.
After a few seconds of silence, I can’t take it. “Are you going to apologise or not? Because if not, I’d really appreciate being allowed to sleep. We have class in the morning.”
“Apologising is awkward. Especially to you. When you don’t even want me to.”
“Doesn’t answer my question.”
“Crowley, Baz, you are impossible,” he groans, but I could swear he’s almost laughing.
“I’m serious, if you make me sleep through a class then I won’t care about the anathema anymore-”
And then I freeze, because he’s turned to face me, and his hand is cupping my face, and suddenly I don’t remember how to breathe.
Simon
I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing.
Baz
I have absolutely no clue what he’s doing.
Simon
I lean in.
Baz
He leans in.
Simon
I think I’m actually going to do it.
Baz
There’s no way he’s going to do it.
Simon
I kiss him.
Baz
Simon bloody Snow is kissing me.
Simon
I still have no idea why I’m doing, why am I kissing Baz, but I’m doing it. And I think I like it. Kissing is so warm, and Baz is so cold. I think his mouth is the warmest part of him. I also think it’s my favourite part of him. (Since when did I have a favourite part of him? Since when did I like any part of him at all?)
My eyes are clenched shut, too scared to look at him and see the consequence of what I’m doing, but my mouth is open and so is his. He’s leaning back now, using both arms to keep him up, and for a second, I’m disappointed as I realise quite how much I want him to touch me.
It’s not long before this feels like it’s not enough. I don’t know how it’s possible to want more when I didn’t even realise I wanted this much until now. I force myself to not think about what I’m doing, because if I think about it then it’ll start to feel real, and I disconnect for a moment, so I can turn myself around and sink into his lap.
Baz
If I weren’t already dead, I swear this would kill me. Simon Snow has just kissed me, and it seems the only reason he stopped was to sit on my lap. I take the opportunity to catch my breath, but Simon’s mouth is back on mine in seconds. He’s clutching at my face and the kiss feels chaotic, desperate, as if he thinks I’m going to pull away at any moment.
I love this utter mess of a boy.
I drop back to my elbows, and Simon’s hands slip off my face and onto the mattress. I can feel his breath, hot and fast, against my cheek as our faces separate again. I don’t know when he opened his eyes again, but they’re open now, and he’s staring at me. His eyes are so blue, and his cheeks are flushed, and his hair is messy. I can’t stop myself from staring at his lips, red and chapped, until I really can’t help myself and I lift my head and kiss him.
Simon
As if it wasn’t insane enough that I had just kissed Baz, now that I’d stopped kissing him he had started kissing me.
I know that I must look a mess, but I take comfort in the fact that, for once, Baz does too. Yet somehow, he still manages to look gorgeous. He always does.
Being on top of him is slightly surreal. This infuriating boy who’s always been smarter than me, stronger than me, taller than me, is now lying underneath me and it feels like he would let me do anything.
My eyes had opened while I moved, but now they’ve slipped shut again. I was tempted to open my eyes, just to see Baz’s face, but I kept them shut. I’d been staring at him for months; I didn’t need to see him to know how he must look.
Baz
His eyes are closed, so I close mine too. His mouth is warm, so warm, and I feel like my fangs would pop out if I hadn’t just drank so many rats. I feel his tongue in my mouth and it’s so weird but in the best way.
I feel his eyelashes brushing against my skin and I know his eyes must be open again and the thought of him knowing how much this was affecting me made my cheeks flush, albeit only slightly since it was with stolen blood.
His lips lazily slipped away from mine, but he kept planting kisses on me. He kissed along my cheeks and trailed down to my neck, and that was when I couldn’t hold myself up anymore.
I dropped flat on my back and his lips left my skin for a moment. The moment ended almost instantaneously, as he leaned down again to find the same spot. His teeth grazed my skin softly and I almost squealed. Snow’s hair was tickling my cheeks.
“Snow,” I gasp.
And that little prick has the nerve to remove his face from my neck and look at me as if he isn’t driving me absolutely mad and say, “Yes?”
“Please tell me you’re aware I’m in love with you.”
Simon
I think my heart just stopped.
Baz is in love with me.
Baz is in love with me.
And while I can’t deny that I feel something for him, I know I couldn’t put that label on it yet.
Is it leading him on if I keep kissing him? It’s not like I’m planning to act like it never happened when the morning comes. I like this. I like him. I want to keep kissing him.
Oh Crowley, I’ve been silent for way too long.
Baz must’ve noticed that I was panicking because he quickly backtracks.
“That doesn’t mean you have to feel the same, you were probably just doing this for a laugh anyway, I can go back to trying to kill you if you want-”
I cut him off before he can spiral anymore. “Baz. Just because I’m not quite in love with you yet doesn’t mean I don’t like you.”
His sigh of relief is enough to shock me. “Okay. Okay, okay.”
I look at him for a moment before I kiss him again. Just one moment to take in his stupid, beautiful, stupidly beautiful face.
Baz
He only gives me a moment to admire him before he’s kissing me again. Just a moment to take in his beautiful, stupid, beautifully stupid face.